I’m Stronger Than Yesterday (you must sing this in the tune of Britney’s song)
Confession #1: I’m a Brittney fan. I like her music, it makes me want to dance. Don’t judge.
Confession #2: I hate lifting weights.
I like to do cardio. Maybe because I still have instilled in my head that cardio burns fat (sort of like the eating fat will make you fat – I’m slowly getting over that one) or maybe because I like to feel exhausted and all sweaty after a workout to feel like I’ve done anything – I rarely get that way with weights.
I use to lift weights somewhat regularly because I know its good for you. It also would give me a since of pride when I could squat a descent amount and use better form than most guys. I also have gotten comments about the size of my legs for as long as I can remember. At least once a week I would have a guy ask me how I got calves like that and how they wish they had calves like mine.* NEWSFLASH guys…most girls don’t take it as a complement when you tell them you want to be as big as them. Thus became further reluctance to lifting weights.
This weekend I was in the gym lifting weights. As I was doing leg presses I was feeling particularly strong and proud of myself for the weight I could put on there. And then I had sort of a flash back to the last time got out of treatment for my eating disorder.
Before I went in, I was teaching aerobics and had some close friends who worked at the same gym on campus. I guess it goes with out saying that I was working out obsessively doing endless amounts of cardio. By the time I got out of the hospital/treatment I was still on exercise restriction because of my health. I was actually following directions and was staying away. However, I was with one of my friends who worked at the gym one day while she went into work. as she was checking some of the equipment, I was sitting on the leg press and I was just too tempted to try it out. I suck what I thought was the usual weight I could press on there and couldn’t even get it to budge. I was a little disheartened. I moved it down about 20lbs; still nothing. After putting it all the way down to 40lbs on the leg press (not even the inclined one, the seated one that is easier) I got the thing to move. This of course sent me into panic mode.
After some thought from this event I realized that I wanted to have some strength. I didn’t like feeling puny. This was just one of the downsides of my low weight and slim grossly thin body. Even thought I felt like achieving this body was a feat and gave me control and strength that others couldn’t achieve I now think its quite the opposite. I was losing my strength as a person as my body wasted away.
Although many days I still long for that body and the “discipline” I had, I’m beginning to realize that the loss of physical strength was directly correlated to my strength as a person. If I want to be able to achieve the things I want out of life, I need to be a strong woman both physically and mentally. So, I will continue to try to convince myself that my worth and my abilities are not based on my my size. And, I will continue to lift weights so I can become stronger – even if it does make the guys jealous.
*Perhaps one of the reasons I fell in love with my hubs is because he just told me I have sexy legs and has never said anything about their size.:)
What makes you feel strong?
I love the new layout! I’m not sure why people feel they can make comments about other people’s bodies. I know I’m uber sensitive to such things, but I just don’t get it. Middle school kids are the worst! Last week the kids found out I am a vegetarian. Then I was bombarded with comments like, “My karate teacher is a vegetarian and she’s thin. Why aren’t you thin?” & “You don’t look like a vegetarian. You look like a girl who gets a hamburger from McDonald’s.”
A girl can only handle so much. They don’t mean to be hurtful, obviously, but as you can imagine each comment has been playing over & over in my head since I heard them.
I need to quiet my head!
Lexi
January 24, 2011